I love myself today! Like anyone else walking this planet, my life has been a journey of highs and lows. Everything from betrayal, rejection, disappointment, and discouragement, to love, acceptance, and forgiveness; it has all been part of the journey. In the process of life there has been the mundane part of life of changing diapers, cleaning house, baking cookies, going to work, cutting grass and just simply watching TV. All these things seemingly simple things began to show me who I really was and yet at times I lost myself in the midst of them and just went along with what I knew, never really seeing the truth of who I was. There have also been great highlights that have moved my heart Connections with people I never thought I would ever know on a personal level, both great and small. Opportunities and moments in time where I was able to be involved in situations that seemed to move my heart in ways that were indescribable. Yet, there was always this simple call in my heart. This place I noticed in the midst of being surrounded by people that drew me back to—what about me? Who am I? What is it I desire? Who knows me? Do I know me?
Than came the shaking. The shaking of my world, as I knew it. It began in small ways; at first I didn’t even notice it. It was just life as I knew it, throwing me a curve ball; all I needed to do was keep my heart right first by responding in love to those around and secondly allowing myself to feel in the midst of it. The first part seemed to be not too hard to do; it was the second part that I didn’t look at it, and therefore was not really discovering who I was and what I believed.
As the shaking became stronger there was nowhere to go but to face myself. Was I going to be the person inside my heart or was I going to be the person others expected me to be? Did I even know who that was? Was I willing to face who I really was? What if who I really am was not what I lived all along? Would that invalidate what I walked? Would it change who I thought I was? Could I come to grips with facing, the real me?
All these questions seemed to cause me to want to want to run and hide. And for a time that was exactly what I needed, to be hidden even in the midst of life and all it had to throw at me. I needed to face the pain, to embrace it like my life depended on it. Reality was my life did depend on it.
At first it was the pain of the situation at hand. Than just as one removes the layers of an onion the layers of what had guarded my heart for so long began to peel away. These layers came from the hurts and disappointments of life. From people, not bad people just people living their lives in the way they thought was right. And really who was I to judge, I could only look at me. The one thing for so long that I avoided.
I learned to look at the situations over time and learn to react in a way that was drawn out of a motivation of love. It wasn’t always about being right but loving the other person, only thing is I forgot to love me in the process. Oh I knew the “stuff” and in some ways I thought I was loving me, but reality was how could I if I didn’t even know who I was?
So here I am today, still discovering but more at peace with who I am. I know it doesn’t even fit in the world I used to live. But where I am today has me in a place where I’m not analyzing all the tot and tittles. I am seeing life as it is for me. I’m finally seeing my heart. I see where I don’t love the way I would like to, but I’m not just walking in that place to respond right anymore either. I am seeing where I do love and live. I am smiling and finding freedom even if it looks different.
I am learning to recognize the little signs on the journey, the heart moments, thoughts and desires that seem to lighten the load. I’m remembering moments in time where those heart moments surfaced and the peace that overtook me, when no one knew. That’s where I found God. It really wasn’t in what I did or didn’t do, in what I obeyed or didn’t obey. Nothing brought me closer to Him; He was always there. It didn’t bring me favor because I did things right, favor came just cause He loved me. The confusion was I was taught the favor came because I did or didn’t, only thing was there was no consistency with what I did or didn’t do so how could that be? Today I’m finding more freedom living from my heart. After all isn’t that where He writes—on my heart? He made me who I am, with all my desires, wants, dislikes and likes. He knows where I am weak and where I am strong. He really longs for me to love who I am and who He made me to be. In discovering and loving myself I have brought the greatest worship to His heart, because I have cherished the gift of life He has given to me. I am no longer denying the gift of life in me.
So to those of you who may say I am not living right or true, I am sorry you do not see the life of love I am living. To those of you who are wondering what is right or true, my suggestion would be find it within yourself, which is where He speaks, your heart. To my critics who would say what does your life show? It shows that God loves me and all that I am. I am not afraid to live anymore, even to the place that was once considered sin. I am living from my heart; His mind has not changed towards me. Either that is true or its not. And to myself I say it’s ok to be who you are! I do love myself today!