Sunday, July 7, 2013
A friend sent me a link to this song, thinking its story might find resonance with my story. He had no idea how right he was. Despite his trigger warning, I didn't expect how deeply into the buried recesses of my mind this song would reach. I listened to it probably five times straight through before I could make myself quit hitting repeat. Or, my hands were shaking so badly I couldn't press the button. I didn't have the luxury of truly falling apart then. Ruthlessly shoving the response back into barely conscious places, I kept on with my week until I did have a few hours of uninterrupted time to allow the ripples of trauma to bubble up from their underground hiding places.
The migraines and gastric disruption that I had so recently learned how to (mostly) control came back and lingered despite my extra handfuls of pills. Fatigue overtook me again no matter how early I went to bed. Strange dreams echoed (barely) into my waking. I needed to feel this song. Hear this song. Sing these lyrics. Scream these lyrics.
This song is mine, it owns me. It cries the words I've never said, could never say. It is the song of far too many, so many children grown to adult or even old age without the words to capture the ache in their souls. The smoldering coals of rage that lie waiting under the ashes of long burnt flame in so many hearts, branded on our bodies in chronic disease, mental disorder, addiction and social dysfunction.
This morning I put this video on constant replay for nearly two hours, until the shaking and nausea ended. Even so, I was able to only barely more than whisper the words, though now they echo like a descant in the back of my mind. It still owns me.
I will sing this song, write this song, my story, until I own it. Until I own it and can set it free.