Saturday, May 22, 2010

Fear in Process

It has been interesting to observe my struggle with these Fear posts. The issue rather took over my thought life and I couldn't think, read or write on any other topic. When I finally posted early in the month, it was with great relief and release… until a few hours later when I started to fall apart:  feeling the fear almost as a physical thing trying to crawl back into my joints and tissues and cloud my mind.  A few detoxification therapies (salt baths, herbal preparations, meditation) helped to keep the relapsing to a minimum.

Since then I've been increasingly freer spiritually but less able physically to function. A couple mornings after my last post I woke up with a chest cold, something in my gut, and intermittent loss of executive brain function.  By the end of the week, after continuing with the detox protocols, the cold became a residual sneeze, the intestinal distress became a skin rash, and the mental incapacity returned to my usual sense of humor and spontaneous sermonizing. What I really think is going on is a working out of the tension between shedding these old no-longer-needed fears and shame and tribal taboos that turned what once was protection into toxic habits. The taboos are struggling to stay in the old "safe" patterns of thinking and behaving while the liberating freedom wants to grow up into the Light.

Distressing and inconvenient as it is to be working out this salvation during my family's second busiest month of the year, I consider this reaction, this physical struggle in my body, to be proof of my spiritual healing progress. Healing happens from the inside out, from above to below, and from most vital to least important. So to move from spiritually stuck in my fears (before this series) to mentally spinning my wheels (the process of writing the posts) and then to physically manifesting internal-to-external symptoms is definite movement in the right direction.  Although I have to say, my husband asked if I couldn’t just get an exorcism to drive all the demons out at once so he didn’t have to watch me go through this anymore.  


  1. Yikes! Sorry to read about your struggles, although life is full of them. So I guess I should say rather that while I am sorry you are struggling with fear and illness, it is good to read that you are moving in the right direction.

    And I add my wishes to your husbands. Would that there were a one-time-only quick fix for our hurts and wrong internalizations. But I think the healing process is the only way that works. May it be a short and satisfying journey for you in the future. =)

  2. "Would that there were a one-time-only quick fix for our hurts and wrong internalizations. But I think the healing process is the only way that works."

    Ah, yes, the only way out is through. And I think we tend to value the wisdom and insight the more for how hard-won it was. Seems absurd that it should be so, but I suspect that it is a universal human principle.

    Thanks for your good wishes!

  3. ((((Sandra)))) May all the word that trigger you be far from your ears today. May the love of God envelope you like a blanket of glory and may you be aware of it. The Good Shepherd himself will gently care for you today. You are in my prayers.

  4. Are you okay? Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. =)

  5. Thanks for asking--I'm just trying to be good to myself this weekend. Read trashy books, lay around a lot, drinking lots of water and eating healthy foods. The crazy end-of-semester month ended last week and tomorrow starts our still-busy-but-not-quite-crazy summer schedule so I'm trying to keep this weekend really low-key.

    I went through (am still going through?) a rough patch this month. I really exhausted myself but, as my husband said "you're not physically tired, you're mentally tired". Yeah, tell me about it! His suggestion, though, is just to walk away from Christianity again and sweep my demons back under the rug, since that's what he does.

    BTDT and I want to try something different as I reach toward my 45th birthday this summer. I'm looking to actually process this stuff out so I can be the free, healed, whole person I could be. Today I ordered myself a new protocol of "meds" (remedies and supplements) and I'm getting back to yoga starting this week.

    Yoga was probably the single most effective technique in my toolbox for setting aside the fear and being able to rest in the Divine while I was a heathen. I'm hoping that taking it up again now (after some 6 years and a major illness) will allow me not just to set fear aside but actually to let it go.

    I'll post more as I get into a rhythm for summer. Hope healing is continuing for you and yours as well.