Thursday, October 25, 2012

10 Things on Thursday

Ten Things I'm Afraid Of:

1. I'm afraid that I will be regarded as a dilettante blogger because I don't blog every day. But I'm afraid if I blog everyday, I will end up with mostly frivolous posts.

2. I am afraid of being Stoopid. My hysterical illness has mucked up so much of my executive functioning that I am just a dingbat all too often. I'm afraid that my hysterical illness has stolen so much of my brain that I won't ever be able to write consistently and reliably, that I won't be able to "just show up" to my writing.

3. I am afraid i will lose my mind altogether. I hate that I can't be counted on to organize the family's finances or even the grocery lists with any certainty.

4. I am afraid that I won't provide my kids with the social skills and education that they deserve. I am afraid that my own disabilities will create disabilities in them. I'm afraid that I did them a disservice by homeschooling.

5. I'm afraid I've wasted my intelligence on fundamentalist thinking and haven't got anything left now that I'm not a fundamentalist anymore.

6. I'm afraid that the best thing anyone will be able to say about me at my funeral is that "she loved her kids". But I hate that I can't see loving my kids as a valuable accomplishment.

7. I am afraid of dying before I'm fifty (like my mother). I am also afraid of being old before my time.

8. I am afraid that I will let the limitations of my hysterical illness hold me back as much as I let fundamentalist thinking and religious addiction limit me.

9. I am afraid that I make no difference in my world.

10. I am afraid of fear.


  1. Just desire to say your article is as surprising. The clarity in your post is simply excellent and i could assume you’re an expert on this subject.

  2. #6: nailed it. Why don't we consider our contributions to our families as accomplishments? Given the conditioning (brainwashing) we received as young fundamentalists, you'd think that we wouldn't struggle with seeing our contributions as "mother" as valuable. But I think there's something insidiously destructive in the patriarchal paradigm--while "mother" is the paragon of female achievement, it's still, inherently "less-than." This whole topic is one I need to sink my teeth into, wrestle like Jacob wrestled the angel, and find some peace about. I'm a writer, too, but struggle daily with feeling value-less because my vocation, motherhood, doesn't seem to be enough.

    Thank you for your honesty.